twelve of me? one katie. and lizzy.

twelve of me?

Originally uploaded by kayteeBUG

This is my friend Katie.
Take a very close look at her, and you can see a very complex person. From childish, to nerdy or deep, katie is alot of things.
But I do love her.

Sadly I did something exceedingly selfish today my not accompanying her on her fund raising for peru today. So for that I apologize, to you Katie.

It feels like there are twelve of me you know? Like emotionally, physically and alot of the time spiritually as well. And I swear I am superman or some like super human beast, but the truth is when I over pack my days, I get worn out and beat up and I am left feeling horribly hollow for forsaking people.

its been said that as you grow older, you just add more voices in your head. Well for me it seems like alot of the time I have alot of voices, each wanting to help another person or be cool or appear smart or really love God. It just gets crowded.
Im not saying I dont genuinely love God or at least try to or want to help others. Its just I get very confused sometimes and life gets very overwhelming.

But I still have life in me, and for as long as I live im going to fight to unite within myself the 16 voices that dwell within wreaking havoc inside me.

I love Katie, and I know she will make an immense difference in Peru. Although we fight alot you are a very spirited and loving person, just dont let little things get the best you, and never forget the reason why you are there because you can shine like the sun.

and
as for you Elizabeth, although you aren’t in my class with my kids because you don’t like me, you yourself are very sensible, creative and alot of other things i cant put my finger on because to be honest I havent really been being a true friend to you and for that I am sorry. But I know that you love God and you just go a touch as many people as you can with that kind motherly caring you have.

and no fighting you two.

Let Your Love Be Strong

‘In this world of news, I’ve found nothing new
I’ve found nothing pure
Maybe I’m just idealistic to assume that truth
Could be fact and form
That love could be a verb
Maybe I’m just a little misinformed’

Now, Ive had my fair share of disappointments in life.

Ive never met my real father, my mother works very hard but leaves me alone a lot of the time, Ive been “betrayed” by a few people i felt very close to, Ive had bad habits, Ive been a horrible jerk to many people and a lot of other stuff.

I’m not saying this to make you cry, to say I’m depressed or for you to feel bad for me, but simply for you to understand how great love’s power is.

Imagine a king, fully dressed in the old king clothes. (You know the royal purple with the big old crown tricked out with bling, yeah that’s what I’m talking about. Personally I think that is wayy cooler than kings just wearing suits and garbage I see now). So this king sends you an invitation in the mail for you to come to his palace. So you get all spiffed up to go there and put on your Sundays best or something and get there. When you get there he hugs you, puts you on his back and gives you a piggy back ride giving you a tour of his house.

That’s what I think God wants to do to us. Now wait! Don’t roll your eyes or take this any to be some conversion act. I honestly feel God is a God of love, in fact he is love and that is the only reason we can keep our heads above the water from the suffocating nature of life’s troubles. He wants to carry us through the mess, with his gift of love.

I told you, that Ive been disappointed and felt kind of deserted at times. But God has delivered me with so many great things.

First of all, if you don’t know me, I pretty much have the greatest friends in the whole wide world. They believe in me so much and I believe in them. And this is what I think is a very important attribute of God.

God believes in us.

If he didn’t, then why would we still be existing right now? Wouldn’t God just wipe our existence from the earth? I know I would. But let me tell you why I think God believes in us. He entrusts us with something supernatural, love. I mean how crazy is it that I can care about any other person nearly as much as I carry on about myself.  But yet we go along, interacting with others and realizing that we aren’t the most important people on the planet, why? Because we have love,  which is something that is so beyond our fragile nature.

Love creates, truth, friendship, courage, justice, forgiveness. All of those awesome words we all idealistically believe in but many times fail to deliver on.

So I write this blog to say, let your love be strong, lets make God proud of giving us the gift of love by sharing it with others and make those ideals we write songs about become true for more than a sliver of time, but for it to color the historical time line.

Ive seen these sparks. Even though I never met my dad, Ive been given so many great male figures, Dale, Travis, Jeff, Matt Boone, Miguel, all of which who have taught me to love and to abandon the darkness I’ve felt. Whenever I felt alone or betrayed, I met great friends like Caroline , Lex ,Kendrick ,Jacob or Robby. Whenever I was being a jerk, I had Ali and Isabel and Keyon to alert me of it. And when I was trying to break my habits, I was inspired by so many more people to keep pressing on.

I am a living testament of God’s belief in us.
‘Let your love be strong, and I don’t care what goes down
Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your sky’s
All that i am hanging on, all of my world resting on your love’

- excerpts taken from let your love be strong by switchfoot, the last track on their album Oh! Gravity

First Words and Lost Love

One Kiss

Originally uploaded by astrumaeroplane

Today I lost the kiss token, seen there to a rather stupid photography mistake.

I was trying get the token wet and take a picture of it on the brick, for a kind of immersed love look. And I dropped it in the pool and now its pretty much gone because I cant see it because it rained so hard over the last few days. Lame I know. Its just funny you know? Like I take that thing all over the place sometimes just to have a small physical reminder of caroline. And It kind of got swallowed by the sea. You know the coldplay song right?

I feel like that trinket belongs with me and not swallowed by the sea. But hey I still have the real thing? The real love. I can kiss caroline virtually anytime, disregarding her willingness, her distance from me and its appropriateness based on where we are. And maybe the lost token has just given me a greater reason to cherish her.

The title lost love really stems from my discontent about what the word loves to any of us. We idealistically want it, this beautiful thing. But none of us are willing to sacrifice for it. I was talking to Kyra once and we were arguing like we always do. And she said that if people were completely selfless in there love then, like people would just look at one another. I dont think this is the case, could you imagine a world where we are patient, kind and all those other great things 1 Corinthians says about love? We would both listen to one another without being insecure about the other persons love.

I mean we all do it. Throw a compliment out there to see if it will boomerang back right? Or lots of scenarios like it. I’m not saying there aren’t cases where love is without true security, im just saying it isn’t consistent. Our nature is a fickle one, like the dust or chaff blown by the wind. And im ok with that, I just feel that we have this overwhelming ability to be insecure and that drives us to ruin love sometimes. Which results in lost love.

Which is never pretty.

So just hang in there.

Here is a fun fact about me:
My very first word was light.
My mom told me, I used to have this light in my room, like im sure most babies do and she would always point up to it and say light so I guess I learned it first.

Although love isnt simple all the time and it can be tainted by insecurity, just keep on working at it like a baby does with talking and you will be able to do it alot easier. It wont be perfect. heck i dont think many things are.

But I know if I really love Caroline then I have to try my hardest to push aside my insecurities and choose to think that life more than I am everyday, before its all gone and I am left wishing I had made that decision.

Love belongs with you not swallowed in the sea.